(This list was given to a group of parents when the youth pastor was getting ready to move out of youth ministry)
10. Listen to your kids. Seriously listen. Stop talking and listen. Try to not react or respond in big ways – even facial expressions. They need to know that they can keep telling you the important events of their life, both good and bad.
9. Love them to the point of embarrassment. They won’t like it in the moment. They will squirm and be embarrassed. They will love it deep down and they will remember it for a lifetime.
8. Take computers out of bedrooms and any other private place. Do it now. Stop reading this article and go take them out…seriously, now. It’s just not smart to put temptations right in your kid’s face. I would take out televisions too. And don’t think that if it’s not connected to the internet that it’s safe. Do you really want them up all night playing video games? Also, they are smarter than you. It’s probably connected to the internet through your neighbor’s wi-fi or something like that. Go, now.
7. Take your kid’s small group leader to coffee and get to know them. This person is spending tons of time talking to your kid about spiritual things and giving their views and opinions on all sorts of things. Don’t you think you should know who that person is? Yeah, we screen people, but so should you.
6. Encourage your small group leader to do extra things with your kid and give them the resources to do so. Small group leaders are normal people who are busy. They want to serve, but they are going to get busy and end up doing the minimum requirements of just Sunday mornings. A phone call, email, or letter from you will go a long way encouraging them to spend more time with your kid and help them know what your child needs. Give them gift cards to restaurants, bowling, Boomers, coffee, or things like that to help them go have fun and model the Christian life to your students. More is usually “caught” by kids than what is “taught.”
5. Don’t put sports first in your kid’s life. If you want your kids to not grow spiritually, then have them commit their entire lives to a sport that will take them out of church on Sundays and Wednesdays and show them that the priority for you is the sport and not their spiritual growth. They will probably never play the sport in an organized way after they are 18, but their spiritual growth could be stunted long-term. Seriously, what is more important?
4. Affirm your youth pastors. They don’t hear it very often. They hear complaints and opinions but not a ton of affirmation. Send them cards, emails, and nice phone calls. And wouldn’t you rather open a card with a nice gift card inside?
3. Encourage your kids to live in a dorm their freshman year of college, if possible. This one is a little bit more subjective and different for some than others. But I just think that they will grow in the ways they need to become a real adult in a college dorm that is somewhat contained and supervised, but it isn’t your house. It will be hard and this can be at a Christian college if you are concerned about the crazy college life, but they need to experience the autonomy. Also, if they go to a secular school, help them get connected with the Campus Crusade or Intervarsity leader at their college. This helped me a ton when I was at UCSB my freshman year.
2. Don’t defend your kids to teachers, small group leaders, and pastors. Just listen to them. They are trying to help your kid. They want to see them grow – not as much as you – but they do. I have never understood why parents fight back and disagree when we point out something going on in their kid’s life.
DRUM ROLL…………..
1. Make sure your kids see your spiritual life. Let them see you reading the Bible in the living room. Let them see you praying or carrying a list of prayer requests. Let them see you sign-up for retreats or Bible studies because you value that. Let them see you spend time in solitude with the Lord or fast or practice other spiritual disciplines. When they see you put God first, they will remember it when the time comes.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
What Makes a Child Truly Great?
By Tim Kimmel
Let’s take a quick inventory. You’re going to spend at least 18 years raising each one of your kids. Before they finally slip over the horizon for good, you’re going to lose a lot of sleep, spend a couple of truck loads of money, put some serious wear and tear on your body, and shed a puddle or two of tears. What do you hope happens? What do you want to see as the result of all of your efforts?
If we’re followers of Christ, the next thing out of our mouth is usually some noble statement about our children growing up to have a tender heart for God (or words of equal spiritual significance). But when the actual targets of our parenting priorities are scrutinized, what often shows up is the harsh reality that although we are followers of Christ, we are also products of a very compelling western mindset.
It’s a philosophy that worships success and measures a person’s significance by how well they embody its superficial and arbitrary standards. It’s a worldview that is both intoxicating and contagious. Without realizing it, well-intended parents can easily find themselves repeating its mantra as they aim their kids at the future.
Our culture’s definition of success
I call it the “success trap.” It’s easy to get sucked into as a parent ... even if you’re serious about your faith. If I could synthesize the typical goals of parents formatted by our culture’s definition of success, they would sound something like this:
“I hope my child ends up with a good job.”
And what’s a good job?
“One that pays well.”
Parents become convinced that without the ability to make a significant amount of money, their children have little chance of a happy future. This, therefore, is the first priority of the success trap: wealth.
Okay, what else?
“I hope they marry someone who looks pretty good in the Christmas photos … someone who is easy to gaze at when you wake up in the morning … someone who can help them make great-looking grandchildren.”
Thus the second priority of the success trap: beauty.
What else? Parents often wish their children could assume some command over their destiny, and control the bulk of the forces that surround them. Which is the third priority of the success trap: power.
Anything else?
“Yes, I’d love to see them get some recognition for all of their hard earned efforts.”
Ah, yes, the final priority of the success trap: fame.
The average parent may not articulate these priorities in such a succinct way. But that doesn’t overwrite the true impact of the values we accentuate whether we want to admit them or not. Our true priorities are seldom what we say they are, but rather what we emphasize when we’re mentoring our children through the daily challenges of their lives.
The things that are truly important to us often slip out between the seams of our conversations with the folks back home or over a latte with a friend at Starbucks:
“He’s captain of the wrestling team.”
“She’s president of the student body.”
“He got a 1400 on his SAT.”
“She’s going to a Division I school.”
“His fiancé looks like Jessica Alba.”
“She’s got a full ride to Stanford.”
“He has three different Fortune 500 companies chasing after him.”
Is there anything wrong with being proud of our children’s accomplishments?
Of course not. While we’re at it, is there anything fundamentally wrong with wealth, beauty, power, and fame? Not a bit ... unless you need any of these things to feel significant or complete.
Those who measure themselves by these four standards will never be content. But more important, they’re going to miss a huge opportunity to live the life God meant for them to live.
A better measurement
If a Christian parent is preoccupied with aiming their children at success, there are three things they need to know:
* These four standards of success aren’t the ones outlined in the Bible. God places no value on wealth, beauty, power, or fame as measurements of our significance.
* You don’t need God’s help if you want to build these standards into your kid’s hearts. Unbelieving parents build these all the time.
* If you’re aiming your kids at success, you’re aiming way too low.
Let me suggest something far more exciting ... and satisfying. I call it true greatness.
Jesus said, “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant” (Matthew 20:26). Jesus not only taught us what greatness was, but he also showed us what it looked like ... with every step He took, every breath He exhaled, and every word He spoke. And He calls us to build this amazing essence into the core of our children’s hearts.
True greatness is a passionate love for God that demonstrates itself in an unquenchable love and concern for others. True greatness has four powerful and defining qualities at its core: humility, gratefulness, generosity, and a servant spirit. It’s a magnanimous attitude that is sustained by God’s love and fueled by His amazing grace.
Parents who learn the secret of how to transfer a heart of true greatness to their children not only set their children up to live marvelous lives, but also get to enjoy the benefits of their efforts long before their children head out on their own. True greatness makes life within the home more peaceful, helps kids stay more academically focused, causes siblings to be far less competitive, elicits more respect for parents, and helps children become more morally grounded. The biggest payoff is how it enhances their children’s relationship with God.
When it comes to the vast majority of our kids, you need to know something that is extremely important about those four priorities of success: wealth, beauty, power, and fame. God usually throws those into the lives of the truly great ... for free. Except now they can actually handle them well and enjoy them completely.
Let’s take a quick inventory. You’re going to spend at least 18 years raising each one of your kids. Before they finally slip over the horizon for good, you’re going to lose a lot of sleep, spend a couple of truck loads of money, put some serious wear and tear on your body, and shed a puddle or two of tears. What do you hope happens? What do you want to see as the result of all of your efforts?
If we’re followers of Christ, the next thing out of our mouth is usually some noble statement about our children growing up to have a tender heart for God (or words of equal spiritual significance). But when the actual targets of our parenting priorities are scrutinized, what often shows up is the harsh reality that although we are followers of Christ, we are also products of a very compelling western mindset.
It’s a philosophy that worships success and measures a person’s significance by how well they embody its superficial and arbitrary standards. It’s a worldview that is both intoxicating and contagious. Without realizing it, well-intended parents can easily find themselves repeating its mantra as they aim their kids at the future.
Our culture’s definition of success
I call it the “success trap.” It’s easy to get sucked into as a parent ... even if you’re serious about your faith. If I could synthesize the typical goals of parents formatted by our culture’s definition of success, they would sound something like this:
“I hope my child ends up with a good job.”
And what’s a good job?
“One that pays well.”
Parents become convinced that without the ability to make a significant amount of money, their children have little chance of a happy future. This, therefore, is the first priority of the success trap: wealth.
Okay, what else?
“I hope they marry someone who looks pretty good in the Christmas photos … someone who is easy to gaze at when you wake up in the morning … someone who can help them make great-looking grandchildren.”
Thus the second priority of the success trap: beauty.
What else? Parents often wish their children could assume some command over their destiny, and control the bulk of the forces that surround them. Which is the third priority of the success trap: power.
Anything else?
“Yes, I’d love to see them get some recognition for all of their hard earned efforts.”
Ah, yes, the final priority of the success trap: fame.
The average parent may not articulate these priorities in such a succinct way. But that doesn’t overwrite the true impact of the values we accentuate whether we want to admit them or not. Our true priorities are seldom what we say they are, but rather what we emphasize when we’re mentoring our children through the daily challenges of their lives.
The things that are truly important to us often slip out between the seams of our conversations with the folks back home or over a latte with a friend at Starbucks:
“He’s captain of the wrestling team.”
“She’s president of the student body.”
“He got a 1400 on his SAT.”
“She’s going to a Division I school.”
“His fiancé looks like Jessica Alba.”
“She’s got a full ride to Stanford.”
“He has three different Fortune 500 companies chasing after him.”
Is there anything wrong with being proud of our children’s accomplishments?
Of course not. While we’re at it, is there anything fundamentally wrong with wealth, beauty, power, and fame? Not a bit ... unless you need any of these things to feel significant or complete.
Those who measure themselves by these four standards will never be content. But more important, they’re going to miss a huge opportunity to live the life God meant for them to live.
A better measurement
If a Christian parent is preoccupied with aiming their children at success, there are three things they need to know:
* These four standards of success aren’t the ones outlined in the Bible. God places no value on wealth, beauty, power, or fame as measurements of our significance.
* You don’t need God’s help if you want to build these standards into your kid’s hearts. Unbelieving parents build these all the time.
* If you’re aiming your kids at success, you’re aiming way too low.
Let me suggest something far more exciting ... and satisfying. I call it true greatness.
Jesus said, “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant” (Matthew 20:26). Jesus not only taught us what greatness was, but he also showed us what it looked like ... with every step He took, every breath He exhaled, and every word He spoke. And He calls us to build this amazing essence into the core of our children’s hearts.
True greatness is a passionate love for God that demonstrates itself in an unquenchable love and concern for others. True greatness has four powerful and defining qualities at its core: humility, gratefulness, generosity, and a servant spirit. It’s a magnanimous attitude that is sustained by God’s love and fueled by His amazing grace.
Parents who learn the secret of how to transfer a heart of true greatness to their children not only set their children up to live marvelous lives, but also get to enjoy the benefits of their efforts long before their children head out on their own. True greatness makes life within the home more peaceful, helps kids stay more academically focused, causes siblings to be far less competitive, elicits more respect for parents, and helps children become more morally grounded. The biggest payoff is how it enhances their children’s relationship with God.
When it comes to the vast majority of our kids, you need to know something that is extremely important about those four priorities of success: wealth, beauty, power, and fame. God usually throws those into the lives of the truly great ... for free. Except now they can actually handle them well and enjoy them completely.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
It's What You Didn't Do
by Jeanne Mayo
We had worked intensely to create an incredible youth night--trust me; it was destined to be a success. We built the entire evening around a relevant theme. We used various creative communication techniques and we'd packed the place with hundreds of excited, screaming teenagers. Most importantly, we had prayed our guts out that the evening would make Jesus smile. It was no Billy Graham service, but enough to be remembered as an unforgettable night in my mind.
Then it happened--without warning, the picture-perfect youth night came to a screeching halt. As I slipped to the back of our meeting room to give high fives to a couple of our key leaders who had worked especially hard, I overheard a conversation that served as a painful wake-up call. Apparently a parent was picking up her teenager at the conclusion of the service. I heard the mom casually ask her son, "What'd you think?" The teenager took less than a second to formulate his direct reply: "I'm not coming back!"
I picked my heart up off the floor, and I took off after the teenage boy before he could walk out the door. I introduced myself and in a direct voice he spouted off his first name and then turned to walk away.
"Look, Ben, I overheard your comments to your mom." His eyes flashed defensively as if he were gearing up for a debate. "Would you help us out by telling me where we bombed tonight? What'd we do wrong?"
Ben's eyes softened a little, and he paused for a second before saying, "It wasn't what people did that was the turnoff. It was what they didn't do. My mom conned me into coming, and nobody acted like they gave a rip if I was here. Nobody talked to me, like I was invisible or something. I'd rather spend my time with people who at least pretend they're glad I showed up."
Group Magazine did a "Cool Church" survey, asking teenagers to rate factors that influence their commitment to church. The things most frequently rated "very important" were:
- A welcoming atmosphere where you can be yourself (73%)
- Quality relationships with other teenagers (70%)
What did teenagers rate as least important?
- A fast-paced, high-tech, entertaining ministry approach
Talk about a wake-up call...
Excerpted from Thriving Youth Groups
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